Welcome to the online trading arm of the world's leading* Cornish international news organ!
And let us again welcome you, yes YOU, to the Rake & Herald's brand-spanking new** Online Clag Emporium.
Too right, chief, and what's more, we here at the Rake & Herald Online Clag Emporium plan to have an even wider range of right rollicking gorgeous goodies on our virtual shelves for your pleasure, leisure and amazement in the not-too-distant.
However, for the time being we'll be largely confining our colossal collection of clag to the more obvious items of personal empowerment – viz T-shirts, bags and shower curtains plus a few arty-farty prints and wall hangings – while we find our feet and suss out how to master the full maelstrom of merch at our digital fingertips, including marvellous mugs, rugs, duvets and phone-cases.
So stick around and similarly like us on FaceBook and follow us on Twitter (if you're into that sort of thing) because there's a shedtonne of kick-arse clag crammed into the metaphorical pipeline just for YOU, your mates, your family, servants and/or hired goons to boot.
THE OBLIGATORY ABOUT BIT
Anyway, the bulk of designs that you'll find here on the Rake & Herald Online Clag Emporium are the artistic offspring of chief hack and Rake & Herald co-founder Ignatius Rake (pictured top left with face).
According to Rake & Herald arts editor Quentin Darling-Pseud, Rakey Boy is an "artist, writer and world traveller" whose "graphical gyroscope is generously geared and grounded in the graft of such 20th century behemoths as Otto Dix, Hannah Höch, Kurt Schwitters, Marcel Duchamp, Max Ernst, René Magritte and, of course, the great Francis Picabia".
"Cans of cheap booze and plenty of nice spirits also play a big hand in his oeuvre as well," he adds.
"A very big hand, in fact."
"Imagine Godzilla as a goalie."
CLAG BY PRODUCT TYPE OR THEME
And a very big hand indeed to all those cheap cans and nice spirits because now all our designs, whether perfectly printed on a T-shirt or shower curtain alike, can be worn with equally head-turning panache down the pub or while pissing in a bin in a park (subject to local bylaws and dress codes, of course).
And if you can't be arsed to rummage through our cornucopia of clag by product type, simply check out our Collections' sections to peruse our wonderful wares by theme, such as Food and Drink and Competitive Eating; Music and the Arts; or the truly inspired and inspiring Joys of Modern Living.
Oh, and if, like us, you don't speak dollars, here's a link to an industry-respected currency converter to help you decipher what all the price tags mean in real wedge (opens in a separate tab, mind).
TREATS FOR YOURSELF, GIFTS FOR YOUR MATES
Anyway, big, big thanks for swinging by, y'all.
We hope you enjoy what you see on our pixelated pegs and pages and please do come back again and again and again.
And tell all your mates, yeah?
After all, there's plenty of nicely-priced clag for everyone, whether you're looking for stuff for yourself, a pressie for your mum, mate, mentor or minotaur or just something snazzy for you all to wear on a stag do/hen night/job interview.
But whatever your quest, happy shopping!
And don't forget to check out the Rake & Herald's main website for your daily dose of news, views, booze and interviews.
You know you want to.
Your shop assistant today is Regboy.
**At time of writing.